irisnetwork | un: likesflowers | late night thoughts about mortality with a ten year old

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un: likesflowers | late night thoughts about mortality with a ten year old

[ This post shows up at one of those 'no reasonable person should be awake at this time' hours, like 4 in the morning. ]

If you knew you were going to die

How would you feel? what are you meant to feel?

[ Vivi is not even remotely tech-savvy enough to know how to conceal his identity, so this is a great look into his mental state right now.

Which is to say: not good. ]

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To tell you the truth, I'm not certain.

[Because guess who's also up, yaaaaay.]

The feelings are something I'm still wrestling with myself, without being able to pin down a proper answer. But... I'm not certain there is a proper answer.

I've died. In a way. Not the permanent way, but the way it feels with the body stopping.

It depends on the death itself. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it doesn't.

How I feel depends on how I felt before it too. I might feel scared or calm or something else. I think I feel alone most of all.

Someday I will die for good and that makes me want everything now to be as good as possible. I want to not feel alone when it happens for good. I do not know if that's possible however.

[Since the mark, sleep had been a weird fickle thing that comes and goes at unusual hours. As one might after sleeping for a whole day. Needless to say, she heard the sound of someone messing with their phone, or caught a glimpse of that all too familiar screen glow.]

[...Should she actually say anything or continue to ignore it? Hmmm...]

[Lord only knows why he's awake this early, long before sunrise. The nights are so lonely now when he can't sleep... though he doesn't quite know why they wouldn't have been in the past.]

There's no right or wrong way to feel. Scared, angry, sad, a hundred other things. And it can change, it might change fifty times a day. That's normal. Sometimes it might be all of those at once.

[What an incredibly fucked up thing to have to say to a ten year in the middle of the time. Maybe he shouldn't where everyone else can see, but the post was already out there. Maybe they should see what's going on.]

I've thought I was going to die. I wasn't trying to feel any one thing. Just... feeling it.

There's no right or wrong way.

Long ago, when I faced that question - I thought I'd be fine with it - perhaps the person I was back then truly was at peace with the prospect. Now? I think it'd be a fearful thing for me, even without my complications.

...Perhaps we should talk in person, I won't lie - I am worried about you.

I would feel resigned, I suppose... but would fight it regardless. After all, is that not what we all face with Nightfall on the horizon?

We will find a way to save you, Vivi. Whatever that may be.

[There are some nights where Desi has trouble sleeping, still. This is one of those nights.]

I don't know. I think that maybe it would depend on why.

If I was going to die, if it was going to be because of something I chose to do, like let's say that I was trying to protect you or GV or Lia or Mona from something, then I think I would feel okay with it. If it was going to happen for less-good reasons then I'd feel pretty awful about it and want to find a way to stop it from happening because I don't want to leave my friends behind.

Edited 2020-08-26 15:33 (UTC)

["No reasonable person" well good thing Nines isn't reasonable.]

everyone dies eventually. it's not a bad thing.

[SAYS THE BOY WITH A NIHILISM JOKE AS HIS USERNAME. But he's trying??]

[Gunvolt stirred from his sleep when he heard his phone play a quiet tune, heralding a post from one of his friends; and the tone was associated with Vivi. Reaching over to his nightstand blearily, he took his phone into his hand and read the post, vision half blurred from a somewhat restless night.

He blinked at the device, rubbing his eyes a little, and obscuring the light to not rouse Desidera or alert Monarch while they were resting. ...Perhaps blissfully unaware that Desi was already awake, and also seeing this post. It took him several moments to actually process the post, before he finally could find any words to reply with.]

Think it's different for everyone, buddy. ...And in the circumstances.

All I know is looking death in the face is... scary. And inevitable, as long as you live.

But when we all make a living defying inevitability... well, I guess feeling defiant and pushing back against a cruel fate with all that you are is pretty natural. To not go softly in the long night until you're ready.

[At least, that's how he's been looking at it...]

[no one ever said he was reasonable.]

holy shit is this the kind of stuff you people talk about all the time or is tonight special

[IT'S REAL HEAVY, VIVI.]

I'd probably be pissed
carpe diem that's french right [cliff no] I want to live life to the fullest and I'm not done yet

I do know I’m going to die.

And it fills my every waking moment with dread, consciously or not, which lurks within me and is the primary influencer of all decisions. The void calls, and we must answer with a scream of terror.

But that’s everyone, I think.

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