un: likesflowers | late night thoughts about mortality with a ten year old

[alreadyhuman]

[ This post shows up at one of those 'no reasonable person should be awake at this time' hours, like 4 in the morning. ]

If you knew you were going to die

How would you feel? what are you meant to feel?

[ Vivi is not even remotely tech-savvy enough to know how to conceal his identity, so this is a great look into his mental state right now.

Which is to say: not good. ]

Comments

un: Ahania

[ofexperience]

To tell you the truth, I'm not certain.

[Because guess who's also up, yaaaaay.]

The feelings are something I'm still wrestling with myself, without being able to pin down a proper answer. But... I'm not certain there is a proper answer.

[alreadyhuman]

[ Yaaaay. Vivi isn't sure whether to be relieved someone answered or not. Mostly he just feels sad that someone else seems to be in the same position as him. ]

oh. im sorry

Is that something you have to decide for yourself too?
Im not sure how good i am at that
Deciding how i feel about things i mean
Its really hard

[ofexperience]

You have my sympathies as well.

I think it is. It's okay to not be good at it, however. Emotions are... messy things at best, and something like this is... difficult.

UN: Integreatest

[emergensirations]

I've died. In a way. Not the permanent way, but the way it feels with the body stopping.

It depends on the death itself. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it doesn't.

How I feel depends on how I felt before it too. I might feel scared or calm or something else. I think I feel alone most of all.

Someday I will die for good and that makes me want everything now to be as good as possible. I want to not feel alone when it happens for good. I do not know if that's possible however.

[alreadyhuman]

I think friends will help you feel not alone but it feels like a big sad thing to ask too. maybe its better for friends to be alone when you die. [ vivi no ]

i dont think i get more than one death though. i dont think its going to hurt but i dont think it hurting changes things does it?

[emergensirations]

Perhaps. I don't know. My friends die before I do. I make sure they are not alone but I can't ask if it's better then.

Sometimes hurting can be distracting. It can help you not think if your thoughts hurt more. But other kinds of hurting just make it worse. I think you have to figure out yourself.

Action

[hattersgonnahat]

[Since the mark, sleep had been a weird fickle thing that comes and goes at unusual hours. As one might after sleeping for a whole day. Needless to say, she heard the sound of someone messing with their phone, or caught a glimpse of that all too familiar screen glow.]

[...Should she actually say anything or continue to ignore it? Hmmm...]

[alreadyhuman]

[ Vivi is trying to be unobtrusive and hide his phone under the covers so it doesn't light up the room. He's not doing very well with it so far.

If he apologises, will he make it awkward? Should he just pretend like he's not typing on his phone?? aaaaaaa

The end result of this internal trainwreck is that Vivi is hiding under the covers but Puella can hear him still tapping on the phone. ]

[hattersgonnahat]

[He could have been doing a wide number of things!! A lot of people play on phones and such when they're not actually tired. It's normal.]

[...]

[Which really Puella shouldn't be that ashamed for being wide awake either, in that case.]

Can't sleep too? [Pokes head out from under sheets.]

un: ornithology

[hawkwardness]

[Lord only knows why he's awake this early, long before sunrise. The nights are so lonely now when he can't sleep... though he doesn't quite know why they wouldn't have been in the past.]

There's no right or wrong way to feel. Scared, angry, sad, a hundred other things. And it can change, it might change fifty times a day. That's normal. Sometimes it might be all of those at once.

[What an incredibly fucked up thing to have to say to a ten year in the middle of the time. Maybe he shouldn't where everyone else can see, but the post was already out there. Maybe they should see what's going on.]

I've thought I was going to die. I wasn't trying to feel any one thing. Just... feeling it.

[alreadyhuman]

is that all youre supposed to do? just feel stuff?

UN: ThreeCoffins, Private

[improbablenotimpossible]

There's no right or wrong way.

Long ago, when I faced that question - I thought I'd be fine with it - perhaps the person I was back then truly was at peace with the prospect. Now? I think it'd be a fearful thing for me, even without my complications.

...Perhaps we should talk in person, I won't lie - I am worried about you.

[alreadyhuman]

I guess there really isnt a right answer...

[ One of the things he learned under Sherlock was that there was always - mostly - usually - some truth, something right, and if you could just find it then everything else, no matter how convoluted or painful, would make just a little more sense.

Reading that there isn't one, from a person he'd considered to have every answer in the world, makes him...he doesn't know how to feel. Sadder, maybe.

Rather than reply, he shuffles out of his room to go and meet Sherlock, which results in a concerning amount of radio silence before there's a timid knock on Sherlock's door. ]

un: xx_heartoffire_xx

[stavros]

I would feel resigned, I suppose... but would fight it regardless. After all, is that not what we all face with Nightfall on the horizon?

We will find a way to save you, Vivi. Whatever that may be.

[alreadyhuman]

nightfalls different though
it feels different anyway! you can fight it

i can help with nightfall but i dunno what to do about me. its not something you can fight anyway i think...

i dont know.

un: SenzaLuce

[unlogic]

[There are some nights where Desi has trouble sleeping, still. This is one of those nights.]

I don't know. I think that maybe it would depend on why.

If I was going to die, if it was going to be because of something I chose to do, like let's say that I was trying to protect you or GV or Lia or Mona from something, then I think I would feel okay with it. If it was going to happen for less-good reasons then I'd feel pretty awful about it and want to find a way to stop it from happening because I don't want to leave my friends behind.

[alreadyhuman]

it feels better to die for some reasons more than others? i guess that makes sense too.

i guess nobody really knows even though dying happens so much. i dont know how to feel about that...

un: 9hilism

[ninehilist]

["No reasonable person" well good thing Nines isn't reasonable.]

everyone dies eventually. it's not a bad thing.

[SAYS THE BOY WITH A NIHILISM JOKE AS HIS USERNAME. But he's trying??]

[alreadyhuman]

[ tbh not many people have a reasonable sleep schedule here at daybreak ]

its sad though when people die. they just stop and they dont get to do anything anymore and everyone who liked them is sad.

isnt that a bad thing?

UN: AZURESTRIKER

[shockingblue]

[Gunvolt stirred from his sleep when he heard his phone play a quiet tune, heralding a post from one of his friends; and the tone was associated with Vivi. Reaching over to his nightstand blearily, he took his phone into his hand and read the post, vision half blurred from a somewhat restless night.

He blinked at the device, rubbing his eyes a little, and obscuring the light to not rouse Desidera or alert Monarch while they were resting. ...Perhaps blissfully unaware that Desi was already awake, and also seeing this post. It took him several moments to actually process the post, before he finally could find any words to reply with.]

Think it's different for everyone, buddy. ...And in the circumstances.

All I know is looking death in the face is... scary. And inevitable, as long as you live.

But when we all make a living defying inevitability... well, I guess feeling defiant and pushing back against a cruel fate with all that you are is pretty natural. To not go softly in the long night until you're ready.

[At least, that's how he's been looking at it...]

[alreadyhuman]

thats what everyones saying but it doesnt really help

maybe thats okay too though??

im not sure if im scared or not...im sad that other people would be sad about me. i dont want to make them sad. but i dont think im afraid. just confused.

un: redridinghoodie

[awooligan]

[no one ever said he was reasonable.]

holy shit is this the kind of stuff you people talk about all the time or is tonight special

[IT'S REAL HEAVY, VIVI.]

I'd probably be pissed
carpe diem that's french right [cliff no] I want to live life to the fullest and I'm not done yet

[alreadyhuman]

i was just thinking about it too hard sorry!! :(

i guess its special but not happy special
sad special :(

that makes sense though
theres lots of stuff to do. what kinda stuff do you want to do?

[ things he felt he had to get out of his head: talking about dying
things he doesnt necessarily want to talk about: dying ]

UN: Epicyon

[heromedal]

I do know I’m going to die.

And it fills my every waking moment with dread, consciously or not, which lurks within me and is the primary influencer of all decisions. The void calls, and we must answer with a scream of terror.

But that’s everyone, I think.

[alreadyhuman]

ive never thought about it like that. do you think about it like that all the time???
that sounds scary and sad :(

are you ok???